Okay everyone... today I get intimate with you guys. Are you ready for some REAL shit? Cause here it comes...
The last time (and first time!) I kissed a girl was... 6 years ago! I was 13. 13!!!! I was a child! I'm pretty sure all we did was slobber on each other and that was kissing. And not only that, the girl turned out to be a drug addict. Fantastic. And ever since then I have been stuck in the friends zone with most every girl I come in contact with. I'm not sure if this due to me not being able to accurately read them, or I am just so terribly ugly and off-putting that I, in fact, do repel women in any way beyond friendship.
So... I am now 19 years old. In college. With no girlfriend or significant other of any kind. Life is tough. But, after today, I hope things are bound to get better!
Starting today, I am OFFICIALLY open to looking for a girlfriend. Please ladies, no shoving or cutting in line. After being alone for so many years, I am ready to start and adventure of my own! I want to find love! I want to be heartbroken! I WANT TO LIVE! I'm gonna get some self help books. I'm gonna read all the online articles. And hopefully, I will a be a pimp in no time! (JK, I don't want to be a pimp, but it sounded fun didn't it?)
Now begins my new quest... to find a girlfriend! And to aide me in my endeavor, I will attach an official Girlfriend Application (it's in PDF editable format, so you can do it on the computer). If you or anyone you know might be interested, go ahead and shoot this puppy off in an email! I am doing this in all seriousness. Start circulating these mofo's around! Check out my Facebook. A picture is worth a thousand words (I am also inclined to believe that I look better in person... but whatev). Have them read the blog of course as well, to make sure they can handle my... sense of humor/attitude problem?
I have no self respect left. I have reverted to an application for God's sake! I will take anyone and everyone (maybe not anyone and everyone... I'm just trying to attract a broad base... I have standards too). I will take your pity as well! Seriously, bring it on! You feel bad for me? I'll take it. Anything at all honestly.
And remember, when the application is complete, send it back to me at hollenwood344@hotmail.com.
I look forward to hearing from you (or your semi-hot to hot friends)! Official Girlfriend Application
Don't get mad, but 'pity' is spelled...well, it's spelled like 'pity'. With one T. Not two. That's like arm pits. Or pit vipers. Did I teach you nothing?
ReplyDeleteSo this is shockingly similar to that episode of The Office when Michael asks for ppl's friends that are single and would fit in a normal sized boat without capsizing it. Except that YOU HAVE EVEN LESS OF A STANDARD THAN MICHAEL SCOTT. Just let that soak in for awhile...
ReplyDeleteProtip: Craigslist.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking the same thing Carolanne. So funny. Brandon, good luck with your search!
ReplyDelete