LONG TIME NO ANGER!

As most of you are probably aware by this point, my roommate and I moved to a new apartment in August. It’s amazing. It has a pool. And we have separate bathrooms (PRAISE JESUS!).

Though one downside to the new apartment is the type of people this place seems to attract. That’s right. I’m again talking about douche bags. What else? We all know douche bags like nice things (or what they perceive to be) and like to be seen as such. So like a ‘roided up moth to an Affliction tee flame, they have apparently flocked to Eagle point.

At any given moment you can go to the pool and just smell the douchebaggery emitting from their sweat glands. Though, they are strangely absent from the “Fitness Center” provided to the residents. But, upon further examination, there is a really explanation for this. They only provide cardio machines. No free weights. No bench press. Now it all makes sense. We all know they live and die to make their arms as outrageously ill proportioned to their body as possible.  They want to look like Ethiopian kids carrying around hams in their arms.

Now what really set me off happened the other evening. I was coming home late from work. It was around 12:30 in the morning. And I pulled into the parking lot I saw a gaggle o’ douches (a term meaning “a large group of douche bags gathered in a small area”) standing in the parking lot. In the middle of the road. Now, a normal human being with a hint of brain function would think, “Oh, someone’s trying to get through, I should step aside.” But this apparently was not something that these people had the ability to process. So I sat there in my car, apparently unwittingly engaged in staring contest.

This went on for a solid 30 seconds before one of them had a light bulb moment and decided to move. The gaggle, apparently sensing something going on around them, followed his lead and I was finally allowed to pass. The last time something like this happened to me, it was with a heard of cattle.

I hope to be posting more often when school starts, as campus is where I get most of ideas. Thanks for reading! 

Breaking walls and breaking wind. (Oh, and of course, douche bags)

So, as some of you may know from my Facebook, I can hear my neighbors having loud, ruckus sex at least once a week these days. At first, I tried not to make noise, just cause I thought it would be awkward if they knew I was awake. But, as time went by, I realized that I owed them no favors and, likely, they wouldn't give a shit if anyone was around to hear them (as assumed by her loud screaming). So, recently, I have started making as much noise as possible. Slamming drawers, stomping on the floor, and just a few days ago, farting as loud as I possibly could. And I can guarantee that they could hear it. If I can hear their bed, they can sure as hell hear my farts. If only I could figure out a way for them to smell them as well...?

Also, school recently ended here in Cheney, which is good cause it's like a ghost town around here now. And you would think that would mean less annoying college students to order pizza from my work. But you would be wrong. Apparently, only the douchiest survive around here. It seems like the worst of the worst have stuck around for the summer, which means I dread every time the damn phone rings or the door opens.

Sometimes the little black dress is a little too little.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful! Well... not so much the weather, but what the weather is now bringing with it. With a record two days of nice weather here at the Eastern campus, students are obviously ready to shed the fur coats and snow pants. And by shed, I mean wear a little clothes as humanly possible. 

The Ladies:

1. The little black dress is a staple in many girls wardrobes. And is nice to a night out on the town. But there is the rare case where a big girl tries to get away with the little black dress. Today I saw what looked like a girl trying to smuggle a little black dress across the border with her body... think about it. Needless to say, it was not the most flattering thing I had ever seen. 

2. The boots with the fur! WITH THE FUR! Okay, but seriously. Bootie shorts with Uggs, cowboy boots, or any type of boot for that matter. NO! You quickly fall into the Eski-ho style of fashion. And no one wants to be there... unless you're a legit ho. 

The Gentlemen:

1. The wife beater. Nuff said. 

2. Top half commando. Guys! WE GET IT! You are in LOVE with yourself and want everyone else to be to, but there is absolutely no reason you can't keep your shirt on from class A to class B. It's really not that hot out. And this isn't a beach. Or a Chippendales. 

Well, thats all for today! Ya'll come back now, ya here! 

Fucked up weather and the douche bag stroll! (And old dads trying to act young)

So, today in Cheney, it is literally raining cougars and hell hounds. My hair was in its normal up-do, and by the time I made it class I looked like Gomer Pyle. And besides the hurricane force winds, I missed my first class of the day (I even did the reading last night and I NEVER do the reading!). I'm positive I need a new mattress. Cause I feel like a turd every morning. My whole body aches like someone took a hammer to me while I was sleeping... Sara....

But! On to the REAL purpose for this post (besides demands from my adoring fans... heh...), as is often the case, douche bags! Douche bags abound on a college campus. So many young males thinking they are the cock of the walk... or more than likely, just a cock. Strolling into class late with your baggy sweatpants, baseball hat, and aviators (a staple in the douche bag wardrobe).

News flash asshole! YOU'RE IN A WELL LIT BUILDING! AND ITS DARKER THAN A COAL MINERS ASS OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW! WTF MAN!?

That may help you get a slutty sorority girl in the short term, but in long run you are going to end up alone and with a beer belly cause you're still an ass hole and now officially an alcoholic. Congratulations!

Also, at work recently, I have noticed a really shocking trend. There are a lot of young parents out there these days. I get it. BUT! You are still a parent! It's time to start acting and looking like one. Not a hoodlum off the street. Take the gauge out of your ears, comb your hair, and stop wearing Affliction shirts. The only thing you are afflicted with at this moment is being a tool. GROW UP!

Thanks for reading! Until next time!

Sunglasses at night, smokers in my face, and a trifecta of douches

First blog post in a LONG while! Needless to say, I have been very busy with life and, generally, have not had so many things bothering me lately. BUT! Never fear! These last two weeks I have been extremely sensitive to bullshit around me, and I am ready to let loose like a bomb on some Nazis!

1. First! Sunglasses at night. I have been seeing ALOT lately. It seems douches all around Cheney have put away their winter garb and grabbed their compensating Oakley glasses to match their pickup trucks. I just don't understand this. I have a hard enough seeing at night with my eyes alone. I couldn't even imagine wearing sunglasses at night. I am sure I would kill someone. Or worse, stub my toe.

2. Smokers on campus! I recently read an article in a Easterner newspaper about trying to ban smoking on campus and I SAY DO IT! I can't even count the times I have been walking behind someone who decides to light one up and I end up walking behind freight train in disguise sucking in their second hand fart breath smoke. I'm sick of it. Who cares if you have to walk off campus to light up? Its gross and unhealthy. Might as well be PORN! Which, coincidently, is not allowed on campus or within 1000 feet of schools and churches. Sounds like a good idea to me...

3. The trifecta of douches! This would be three guys at the Owl City concert last week that were ALL wearing their sunglasses inside and getting WAY to into the music. Its electronica, not gansta rap you assholes. Clam down. And then one of them took credit for some flowers a little 13 year old boy brought for the opening girl LIGHTS. WHAT DOUCHE! I hope he burns in hell, because I'm pretty sure he just broke like 3 of the 10 Commandments.

4. SOCKS WITH FLIP FLOPS! Okay... so when my 70 year old grandparents do this... I can't complain. They are almost senile and have earned the right to wear whatever the hell they damn well want. But... COLLEGE STUDENTS? For the love of the Lord, please STOP. You look like a damn fool! This has never been acceptable, NOR WILL IT EVER BE! End the madness. Only you can prevent terrible acts of fashion.

Well, thats it for now! Hope to write soon! Thanks for reading!

Hockey Boys (and sweeping generalizations)

The title says it. I'm just gonna cut the crap on this one. Hockey boys are STUPID! (No offense to any that may be reading this, but if you are, lets be honest, you are too stupid to realize I am making fun of you.) I have yet to meet one who has a brain bigger than Lance Armstrongs one nut.

I am talking about this because there are two kids in my english class that are on the Eastern hockey team. And they are the most retarded unretarded human beings I have ever laid eyes on. There are SO many things wrong with them, that I feel the need to start a list:

1. They think they are comedians. WHICH THEY MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT! I have yet to hear anything out of their mouths that is remotely funny or even interesting. Mostly just annoying.

2. They smell. No kidding. This is not speculation or me just wishing they smelled bad to make me feel better about doing this. They honest to God smell like a pile of horse manure. Take a damn shower you idiots! We are WAY past this "We don't need deodorant" pre-teen thing. We are adults. We SHOWER now you f**k heads.

3. One of them is writing their research essay on kids that disrupt classes in school........... AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?! Is this some sort of sick ironic joke, that you are one of the assholes that disrupt the class with mindless shit that flows out of your mouth?

4. They are ugly. One of them looks like Tyler Wood. Nuf said. This is not me being judgmental, this is merely an observation. Seriously. They both look like they have been beat in the face with an ugly sick once or twice.... or 10 times.

The items listed above seem to be a general requirement for hockey players. I have yet to meet one that wasn't completely illiterate or a douche.

Thanks for reading! Until next time!

Little Orange Girls and SheMan Goths

So, you can tell its almost spring time around campus here at Eastern Washington University because all the little blonde girls are getting there pre-summer tan on! And by pre-summer tan I mean they are starting to look like oompa loompas (classic style, of course, because retro is in)!

It really is kind of shocking that ANYONE would think that being faked and baked to the point of charring your skin to a color of the rainbow would be remotely attractive or appealing. (Okay, sidetrack! Sitting in the library, about FIVE little orange girls just passed me! I hope its not something in the water...?) Seriously, I like orange juice, but not in human form. I just don't understand how someone can look in the mirror at that point and say to yourself, "Yeah. This looks good." It doesn't. Unless your a drunk frat boy who REALLY likes oranges or... traffic cones... But, as already implied, I am not in most of these girls demographic if you know what I mean. Example, I am not drunk, stupid, really attractive, or color blind.

Also! I have seen this... thing? now a few times and have meant to write about it before, but never got around to it. There is this man/woman goth that roams campus here. I honestly have NO idea what the gender is. The face is kind of mannish but also has some softer features. And the clothes are too black and baggy to notice if there are any discernible breasts.

These androgynous types scare me, to be completely honest. You don't know what you are dealing with so you are left completely vulnerable. Is it too much to ask to wear a bow in your hair perhaps? Or if you are male, TRY to have a little five o'clock shadow?

Welp, that is it for today! Thanks for reading and spread the word! Tell your friends! Until next time!

Slow walkers!

Again, a month hiatus from my blog, and I apologize. I have been SUPER busy with a school this quarter and my new job (that I am loving, by the way). So, I hope to become more regular (as I have obviously said before), but I can't make any promises. BUT! I know one thing, I am here today and ready to rant!

With my increasing amount of less time (hehe..), I am starting to notice something that I noticed back in the good old days of the Freeman High School hallways. A topic on which I wrote an editorial for the school newspaper on. And though it was about "Hallway Etiquette", the same rules could easily be applied to sidewalks and pathways in an college setting.

1. When most people are walking, they generally do so with a purpose. So, that means, when you are not walking a with a purpose and are meandering along the sidewalk slower than a damn snail on a hot day, you are BLOCKING TRAFFIC! If you were a car on the road you would be pulled over for being an idiot. And it doesn't help that on large sidewalks you are always in pairs and on small sidewalks you are always a FAT ASS. Lay off the doughnuts and maybe if you walked faster than the speed of SMELL you might lose a pound!

2. If you are just STANDING there, MOVE OFF THE DAMN WALKWAY! You can stand in the grass while you grab your girlfriends ass or rifle through your backpack.

3. Don't smoke while you're walking. Your smoke goes right around and right in my face. If I wanted to die of lung cancer, I WOULD SUCK ON A FIRE STICK MYSELF!

Welp, thats it for today. Hope you enjoyed it! I have a few rants backed up, so hopefully I will get to them soon! Thanks for reading! Until next time.

Whores, Assholes, and Children

So, last night me and a few friends made out to dinner and a movie downtown. Dinner (Spaghetti Factory) was delicious as always (although having to pay $6 to park for an hour and a half chaps my ass every time). But then we get to the movie theatre... and thats where it all starts to go downhill.

First, I have a ticket to be refunded from seeing A Christmas Carol in 3D, the first time, when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the movie and we had to be evacuated (a water pipe had broke in the parking garage...). Obviously, I assumed I would be able to get back the full price of the ticked, which was inflated due to the 3D price. But no. They offered me one regular admittance ticket. Or she said I could get a ticket to the same movie... My question is... WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU OFFER ME A TICKET TO A FILM YOU ARE NOT EVEN PLAYING ANYMORE?! So, I took the $3 dollars that I would never get back up the ass like a man and walked away before I kicked the shit out of the lady monkey style.

And things only got worse in the movie of our choice for the evening (Youth in Revolt). I had to go it alone to find our seats as Sara and Carolanne both had to pee like Seabiscuit. All but two rows had people sitting dead center (and like to be dead center) so I chose the closest one to me, meaning I didn't have to climb many stairs. But once I had situated myself, I realized my fatal mistake... the row of teenage girls in front of me. And not just ANY teenage girls... dumb ones... There is nothing worse than a stupid slutty girl. Wanna know how I KNEW they were stupid and slutty? I quote "Tell him we're making out! That will make him mad!.... Oh wait... he will probably like that. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Do it anyway!" WTF?! I kill you.

Next, Sara starts to bitch because she can't put her feet up on the chair because of the stupid slutty girls below. So we decide to move over to the endish of the row so that we can. Our feet are up there, right? There is quite a bit of seating left. Some people come in and decide, "Hey, lets sit there!" And proceed to move toward our feet chairs. They sit down. I can tell Sara is pissed beyond words. She doesn't take her feet off until the girl is sitting down completely in the seat. Needless to say, we moved up a row and turned our butt seats into our new feet seats.

Finally. This is a R rated movie. So I was shocked when a bunch of fat 6th graders waddled into the theatre. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 6th graders?! When I was in 6th grade, I was lucky to be watching PG-13 movies, okay? My parents would have NEVER let me see one in theaters. Sure, there were a few that if they watched them and thought they were okay, I could watch them. But NEVER before they had seen them first. What is wrong with you people?! I'm sorry, but some of the stuff that happened in that movie was shocking for ME! And I have seen a lot of shit! There is no way that those kids should have been able to see that movie. They are too young. They probably think they are sex gods now, too. But they aren't. They are still just fat 6th graders with low self esteem and metabolism.

Anyway! Thats my rant for the day. Hope you enjoyed it. Come again soon!

Love makes me vomit (as does Justin Bieber)

It's everywhere. I literally can't get away from it. It's intoxicating... and not in the good way. Love.

To all you people kissing and groping in public. Knock it the FUCK OFF! IF I WANTED TO WATCH A PORNO I WOULD GO GET ONE! I know that you love each other and you just want everyone to know about it! But you know what else would show that affection to the world? Holding hands. And guess what, there is no tongue involved. Its good for passers by as well as your immune system. And holding hands means ONLY hands. No breasts, crotches, or assholes. We get it. If we wanted to know about your love life we would ask to watch.

To the girl in my English Lit class who gave the kid next to me the stink eye for happening to glance at your breasts. MAYBE DON'T PUT THEM ON DISPLAY THEN YOU LITTLE WHORE!  Why do you dress like that?! DO YOU WANT TO GET RAPED?! FOR THE SOUL PURPOSE OF BEING ABLE TO BITCH ABOUT IT?! GAH!

And to you... Justin Bieber... you prepubescent fuck. You do NOT know what love is. You probably can't even get an erection. So STOP SINGING ABOUT IT! You are not a love expert. You are a 12 year old. Focus on your times tables first big guy. You got a ways to go.

I'm just sick of it. Stop shoving it in my face. We get it. Be happy. Tell people you are happy. Then everyone is happy. I don't have to see you have sex in public. I'll believe you if you just say it.

School today and new job!

So, its almost 1 in the morning and I have my first day of classes tomorrow... er, today. And as I sit here watching a re-run of Keeping up with the Kardashian's I can't help but feel overwhelmed for the day that lies ahead of me. After my classes end at 3:30 I have to get ready for my first day at work at 5 at Rosas Pizza in Cheney. I am really excited to have a job, but the first day at a new place is always scary. And I know it will take me a few days to really get to know everyone and get into the groove, but it still causes me to worry. I have to call before class to find out what I need to wear. I need to get a parking permit sometime tomorrow so I don't have to find a parking spot 100 miles away. And I don't know what my work schedule is going to be yet. But I know they close at 1 and 2 in the morning.... so this could cause a problem with my work study job. If I can get enough hours, I won't need that job anymore. But I really am worried about letting my boss Kerri down. So stressed. And not tired at all.

Until next time... beh.